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Letting Go, and Letting God

This post is going to be pretty difficult to write, because it hits on something I've been struggling with for several years. It's hard because it is something I continue to struggle with. It's hard because it's something that is more personal than generic. It's hard because I don't like admitting I've been wrong. But I think it is something I need to write, because I think it is something that everyone deals with in one way or another.

For several years (probably almost 6 or 7), I had my future all planned out. I knew where I was going to college, what I would be studying, where I would work after finishing college, when and where I would marry my crush, where we would live, what the house would look like, how many kids I would have, what their names (first and middle) would be, everything! It was like the ultimate MASH game in my imagination. I had it all written in journals, scribbled on scraps of notebook paper, diagrams of the house drawn out; anything and everything imaginable to plan out my future had been done.

Yes, I was obsessed with my future (and unfortunately still am). And God wouldn't mind that I went ahead and wrote His plans for me out on paper, right? WRONG! Oh, that word tastes like vinegar coming out of my mouth. Yuck! I don't want to admit I had been wrong, I don't want to admit that I have been selfish, and have even gone as far as ignoring God's warnings over the years that it would hurt worse if I didn't give my dreams to Him then. Oh how I wish I had listened to His warnings and guiding those years ago!

Does anyone know the BarlowGirl song "Surrender"? It was on their very first CD released in 2003 or 2004. I have listened to that song so many times over the past nearly 10 years. I've had the song memorized since I was in the fourth grade. That's the first thing that came to mind every time I started planning out my future in my mind or on paper. But did I actually listen to the words? Of course not! It is such a powerful song, the words echoing Scripture throughout every line. Did I see this connection? No. I just thought, "Oh that's a nice song. The music sounds good, and their harmonies are great." I completely missed the point of the song, missed the lyrics that God had used to tell me something. I'd like to share the lyrics of this song that has been such a good description of my experience with this.


"My hands hold safely to my dreams, clutching tightly not one has fallen.
So many years I've shaped each one, reflecting my heart, showing who I am.
Now you're asking me to show what I'm holding oh so tightly.
Can't open my hands, can't let go. Does it matter? Should I show you? Can't you let me go?

"Surrender, surrender," You whisper gently. You say I will be free.
I know, but can't you see? My dreams are me.

You say you have a plan for me, and that you want the best for my life.
Told me the world had yet to see what you can do with one that's committed to your call.
I know of course what I should do, that I can't hold these dreams forever.
But if I give them now to you, will you take them away forever or can I dream again?

"Surrender, surrender," You whisper gently. You say I will be free.
I know, but can't you see? My dreams are me.


It's painful when God is telling you to release something you want but is not in His plan. I know, I've gone through this kind of hurt several times because of my own selfishness. I actually fought against God on one dream for close to five years, and that was the worst fight I've ever tried to put up. I had no strength against God, and I knew it too. I knew there was no point in struggling against His voice, but I did. Five years I fought against something I knew was right, arguing a point that I knew was not even close to being valid or worth it. All through middle and high school, I fought against God on this point. I even brought the fight to college, even though I had seen it was a losing effort two years earlier. I still remember how hurt I felt, how tired and worn out I was when I realized I was losing the fight. I felt like God had let me down, like He had been the one to let me just fall flat on my face. It was like competing against God in a match of tug-of-war. The rope was my dream. It was weak, frayed, icky; looking at it, then and now, I could see it was not worth struggling for. I had seen better, but I wanted that rope. I pulled and pulled with all the strength I could come up with, but would just slip and fall in the mud. I didn't have a good grip on the rope, and I couldn't stay standing in the mud. God kept telling me, "Let go of the rope. Don't you see it's no good? Let go of your end, and I will throw you the rope I want you to have, the rope I will use to pull you out of this mud and dirt Myself." But did I listen? Nope. I kept pulling. Finally, God took the rope from my hands and pulled me from the dirt, and I am so thankful He did. Until the rope was out of my hands, I didn't realize how unsatisfied I had been and how much more I would have been if I had continued.

Later, I found a replacement for my original dream. Now I think it's important for you to know this was before I had completely let go of the first dream. I didn't pick it up at first, just looked at the 'new rope'. Then I reached out and barely touched the end of the rope. I began just twisting my hand around the rope, feeling the fibers on the back of my fingers. I didn't realize until it was too late that I had wrapped the rope around my wrist. Without even trying to, I had captured myself once again by a new lure. And once again God has shown me that it's not the rope He wants me to have right now. He's gently cutting the rope away from my hand. But what do I do? Try to claim the rope as my own and snatch it away from His knife. And let me tell you, it's not going well. The more I pull away, the closer my hand comes each time to the blade. I'm being left with more cuts than rope burn because I keep trying to pull away from God's guidance and leading. There will always be scars, but I'm coming out of this battle with more than I needed to. Why? Because I'm still stubborn and I don't want to let God have control. I'm scared of not having control over my life. I'm scared that something might happen that I don't like. And you know what? That might happen. I might not like the changes God brings into my life at first. But every time I start with something I don't like, I eventually see why God brought that change into my life and I see that His plan was much better than anything I could have come up with.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future". How sweet a promise this is! But so many times I come up with plans of my own claiming that they are God's plans for me. And that's where the trouble starts. Isaiah 55:8 says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." What I think is best for me usually isn't what God has planned for me. I need this reminder constantly! It's so good to know that He's got my life under His control, especially when I don't know what's going on!

Now I'm not saying I've got it all together and that this will never happen again. That is definitely not true! I know I'm going to try and take control over my life at least once more, and that God's going to have to teach me another lesson. But I'm thankful that He has a plan for me even when I don't know what it is, and I can't wait to see what He has in store for my future!

Thanks for sticking with it until the end! Sorry this post was longer than most, but like I said before it is something I've been struggling with for a long time and felt that God wanted me to share this part of my story!

Comments

  1. That is sooo true and powerful! And so beautifully worded! Our plans seem so much better, don't they? And when we finally get over the fear that what God has in store may not be as good, we are afraid of the wait it sometimes takes to see WHY His plans are better. But ultimately His plans are always best, you're right. And I will pray that His plans will become clear to you as soon as it is in His will so you may find peace and joy in them.

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